This post is gonna be a little more personal. I hope you don’t mind.
So, almost 4 years ago my mom passed away from ovarian cancer and I’ve had some interesting side effects that I didn’t anticipate. I expected to be sad, but I didn’t expect all the insanity that came with it. I became a hypochondriac almost instantly and so anxious that I could barely function. Now, everyday is a constant battle with my own mind. It’s gotten a TON better in the past year or two, but it was bad enough to where I was hurting myself (without meaning to) because I was so anxious. The anxiety was taking root in different parts of my body and causing them to not function properly.
So, I don’t want a pity party or “I’m sorry”‘s, because it really doesn’t help. I’m just trying to find a good way to push this crap out of my mind completely. I’ve developed a good sense of what’s logical and what’s just plain stupid. In the beginning, I would get a cramp in my leg and think “I have bone cancer”, which is extremely stupid. To some effect, I think everyone does this, but I let it eat away at me until I’m thoroughly convinced I won’t live until tomorrow. Now I’m better about it, but there are moments and days (like yesterday) that almost completely took over.
Yesterday was a unique situation where I thought something was terribly wrong with me (it’s not, I just spent 3 weeks being a vegetable for christmas break), but it really turned out that I just need to be more active. On top of that, I had a profound sense of uselessness. I’ve been struggling with myself lately because I don’t bring an income into our home yet. I’ve been in school for most of our relationship (Justin and I), but I still feel useless. A few times I was bringing an income, when I was a T.A. and working at the mall. Unfortunately I was driven out of my mall job by our regional manager who valued big hourly numbers over overall sales numbers. I was the second biggest seller in the store, but my average sale total was low, so she drove me out by cutting my hours to nothing. After that, Justin and I moved to Ypsilanti and I got an insurance job. Well, it turns out the owner hates gay people (I didn’t know that) and I couldn’t sell a product that I would never buy. I tried, but I was unsuccessful. After 2 months I was fired and back to square one. Except this time we had a higher rent payment, a city I hated, an apartment we both hated, and absolutely no money.
Since then, I have known that I’m not cut out for 9-5 jobs. I tried, but people don’t like it when you find creative ways to make work easier or smarter. The working world wants you to do it their way and to not think. I’m not cut out for that. Unfortunately, even with a private liberal arts education, I’m not qualified (apparently) for a job that allows you to think. I feel very strongly about this, but I also feel immensely guilty for placing our financial burdens on Justin. We thought this would get better when I went to grad school, but as you all know, that went tits up (excuse my language).
So yeah, yesterday was a bad day with that all crushing down on me. I feel much better today (the semester started), but I’m still anxious about the future. I need to find a way to deal with the anxiety, but I refuse to be medicated. The doctors tried that, it made everything 10x worse and I don’t like head pills. I will not have my personality changed by a pill.
Any ideas for chilling out? So far, my idea has been to stay busy and give myself something to do. I’m really bad at the whole “relaxation” thing. My only “relaxation” techniques that work so far are; 1) watching snow fall, 2) being in the garden, and 3) deep breathing exercises. Unfortunately, only one of those is possible at all times. And I would look really funny if I started doing breathing things in the middle of class or something.
Well, that’s it for today. Sorry it was so long, I just wanted to talk about it I guess.
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